Circles

What worries me most about my relationship with G are my own feelings. With him I can picture my life differently. With G, my life seems bigger and wider than it is. I can see the life I thought I was going to have, before my life actually happened. And now, it's hard to see what life would be like without that kind of spark in it, without G in it.

I mean I get it...I can't ever be with him in the really real world, but like many things...circumstance rarely dictates what people really want in life, and it doesn't stop them from wanting it.

I go in circles about how I feel about him, because it's all very new to me. Our relationship is honest but based on fantasy, so it's hard to know what's real about how we feel. It's also hard to know where the boundaries are and where they lie. They get blurred a lot. Sometimes I think I have some sense of how he feels about me, and only me. He made a comment that our relationship between each other is so simple, but it's the circumstances surrounding our lives that is complicated. We're both very clear headed in that sense. We're also very prepared for disaster, in the event we ever have to stop seeing each other at all. It's all very tenuous.

I tell myself that I'm ready for that to happen, but I would be lying if I said I don't dread the inevitable day it will all end. When it does, I will always be thankful for the time we had together, because I think we both wonder the shoulda, woulda, coulda's of our lives from here on. We showed each other what it can be like to have passion, respect, and acceptance all in one person. We come from total opposite ends of the world. There is no reason he and I should even know each other... none at all...and yet here we are...

We acknowledge our feelings for one another openly and without hesitation, except for the one little thing we can't say.... So, we express it in other ways. Knowing what we know now, though, and the kind of relationship we could have...it's gonna hurt like hell when it does end.

If there was ever chance for us to be together, I'd probably jump at the opportunity. But I don't see that ever happening, and I can't imagine the series of events that would lead us to that moment. So, I'd rather not even hope for it.

But in the end...I really believe it would have been worth it, and I will never forget him.

Finally....

Ok, I get it...Although my infatuation with G lasted a bit longer then most, I think I've reached my threshold. It has largely to do with the fact that he's not as attentive or actively communicating with me, and when it started happening, my guard immediately went up. I'll reciprocate...but I don't chase people who don't want to chase me. It's just a habit and somethng I know about myself. I know there is not future there, and I as much as I would like to indulge my feelings for him, there's no way I would take that chance on a whim or a fling or infatuation.

I like him a whole bunch. I like being with him, and being intimate with him, sharing things with him...but none of it is real. I know that. I've always known that. But I was willing to roll with it for as long as he was, so long as he was still interested and in me, and he didn't make any unreasonable demands or requests.

But I did get carried away. I did allow myself to wander mentally...but beyond that, I didn't do much else.

It's exciting and new, and there's all kinds of new feels that were flying around...but it's doomed and short-lived. Unless another man can love me more than N does, and can tolerate the kind of mayhem I can bring...there is no other rational choice. G, although sweet and romantic, is very guarded with his feelings and will not plunge into the depts of love at every cost. N has for me. I know this... I just accept the things that will never change with him, but those things don't add up to enough reason to change my life and love anyone else.

My feelings change with the tides though...so if the effort was made and if there was some sense of me not making a fool of myself...well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, I'll enjoy whatever time G wants to give me, or none at all...I cherish it either way.