Where I find myself...

I don't think there is any helping it any longer... There's no turning back and no taking back the amount of emotion I've already invested in this less than ordinary relationship.

It's my own fault for allowing myself believe that I could manage my feelings enough to turn it on and off according to practicalities and logic. I always thought it would be easy. I've always felt a certain amount of sadness, or sometimes none at all, when i stopped seeing a lover... But I never actually loved any of them. I cared, but never enough to fully consider disrupting my life for any alternatives. I never thought about alternatives...

G broke all my personal rules about engaging in extra marital affairs... Something I would never admit to anyone outloud for fear of what it may mean if the universe got wind of it. I'm afraid of what it may mean if...

He's always been the first, however, to admit certain things... He admitted that he regrets that we are not single, that he cares deeply about me, that when he first slept together (despite the setting and circumstances) it was more than straight fucking. His words were that it was somewhere between fucking and making love. We connected and it was a feeling that vibrated throughout my whole body... And it was a feeling that had never experienced before.

Even with J, the actual act of fucking him was disappointing the first time. I was young and didn't know any better and thought that as long as i loved him it was enough... That moment in time was my moment of fire and passion and it was doomed from the very beginning.

But what is my excuse this time? I can't even admit to myself what this means. I'm so afraid and yet addicted to this incredible feeling of...

I try everyday to rationalize away this whole thing... I try very hard to tell myself that I'm being silly, that this is nothing but fun for either of us. I psyche myself out. I tell myself that the reason we like one another so much is be because we aren't in a relationship... But I know that isn't true. I know that he's going along with me and would be willing to give more, if I told him it would be ok.

Beyond that... I'm very afraid of my own feelings for him... But not enough to let go. I can't give up what I feel for him... Not yet. I don't want to. He makes me feel hopeful, scared, passionate, beautiful... He makes me want to want more than what I am. He makes me feel alive.

Conflicted originally written 3-15-2011

I have been in love with my husband for about as long as I can remember... While I can be easily distracted, I've always loved him... in a way that I could never love another man. But sometimes I wonder if that love came from fear... the fear of where I came from.

I always need to make people happy, and I feel incredible pressure from everyone in my life to do just that. I'm the one that everyone thinks has all the answers, the rational one, the reasonable one, the one that knows how to negotiate anyone out of any situation. That was my function and role in my small family.

But, when my stepdad died... I realized that now all I have left from my childhood past is my mother, and when she dies...that's it. It makes me feel like an orphan, like I have no connection to anyone. I do have my husband and two children, of course...and that's not to say I don't adore my family, and would do anything for them.

Recently, though, my mother in law, who has always hated me, but respects me in many ways, says to my husband that she thinks he made a lot of bad decisions after college. It made me think about where I find myself now. While he says she's referring to his career choices... I know that part of the comment lays the blame on me.

I wanted to be married and have a family because I never had one. I wanted to a good man for my kids because I never had one. I wanted to make my man happy, because no one in my family was ever happy. I wanted to be the most understanding, coolest and hottest wife ever. I think I've achieved some of that on a superficial level.

I've managed to make people in my life happy. They love me for the way I make them feel. It has recently occurred to me, however, there is hardly anyone who has gone out of their way to try and make me happy...except my mom and stepdad. Even then, it wasn't without a lot of feelings of guilt and obligation for what other people thought of me.

I have a sister, but she's disowned us. My mom is part of the reason she hasn't been in touch with us in years...my mom didn't want to get her help, and run the risk of a stranger knowing our business. My family is pretty fucked up, and there are way too many secrets.

I'm contemplating that it would be nice if I could I take control of my life, let go, even if it runs the risk of hurting people, and finally head down a path for me. I could argue that a happy me is a better me...but I don't know that I can be any other way than this. I don't know if I can, even if I really wanted to…and I really really want to.