Where I find myself...

I don't think there is any helping it any longer... There's no turning back and no taking back the amount of emotion I've already invested in this less than ordinary relationship.

It's my own fault for allowing myself believe that I could manage my feelings enough to turn it on and off according to practicalities and logic. I always thought it would be easy. I've always felt a certain amount of sadness, or sometimes none at all, when i stopped seeing a lover... But I never actually loved any of them. I cared, but never enough to fully consider disrupting my life for any alternatives. I never thought about alternatives...

G broke all my personal rules about engaging in extra marital affairs... Something I would never admit to anyone outloud for fear of what it may mean if the universe got wind of it. I'm afraid of what it may mean if...

He's always been the first, however, to admit certain things... He admitted that he regrets that we are not single, that he cares deeply about me, that when he first slept together (despite the setting and circumstances) it was more than straight fucking. His words were that it was somewhere between fucking and making love. We connected and it was a feeling that vibrated throughout my whole body... And it was a feeling that had never experienced before.

Even with J, the actual act of fucking him was disappointing the first time. I was young and didn't know any better and thought that as long as i loved him it was enough... That moment in time was my moment of fire and passion and it was doomed from the very beginning.

But what is my excuse this time? I can't even admit to myself what this means. I'm so afraid and yet addicted to this incredible feeling of...

I try everyday to rationalize away this whole thing... I try very hard to tell myself that I'm being silly, that this is nothing but fun for either of us. I psyche myself out. I tell myself that the reason we like one another so much is be because we aren't in a relationship... But I know that isn't true. I know that he's going along with me and would be willing to give more, if I told him it would be ok.

Beyond that... I'm very afraid of my own feelings for him... But not enough to let go. I can't give up what I feel for him... Not yet. I don't want to. He makes me feel hopeful, scared, passionate, beautiful... He makes me want to want more than what I am. He makes me feel alive.

Conflicted originally written 3-15-2011

I have been in love with my husband for about as long as I can remember... While I can be easily distracted, I've always loved him... in a way that I could never love another man. But sometimes I wonder if that love came from fear... the fear of where I came from.

I always need to make people happy, and I feel incredible pressure from everyone in my life to do just that. I'm the one that everyone thinks has all the answers, the rational one, the reasonable one, the one that knows how to negotiate anyone out of any situation. That was my function and role in my small family.

But, when my stepdad died... I realized that now all I have left from my childhood past is my mother, and when she dies...that's it. It makes me feel like an orphan, like I have no connection to anyone. I do have my husband and two children, of course...and that's not to say I don't adore my family, and would do anything for them.

Recently, though, my mother in law, who has always hated me, but respects me in many ways, says to my husband that she thinks he made a lot of bad decisions after college. It made me think about where I find myself now. While he says she's referring to his career choices... I know that part of the comment lays the blame on me.

I wanted to be married and have a family because I never had one. I wanted to a good man for my kids because I never had one. I wanted to make my man happy, because no one in my family was ever happy. I wanted to be the most understanding, coolest and hottest wife ever. I think I've achieved some of that on a superficial level.

I've managed to make people in my life happy. They love me for the way I make them feel. It has recently occurred to me, however, there is hardly anyone who has gone out of their way to try and make me happy...except my mom and stepdad. Even then, it wasn't without a lot of feelings of guilt and obligation for what other people thought of me.

I have a sister, but she's disowned us. My mom is part of the reason she hasn't been in touch with us in years...my mom didn't want to get her help, and run the risk of a stranger knowing our business. My family is pretty fucked up, and there are way too many secrets.

I'm contemplating that it would be nice if I could I take control of my life, let go, even if it runs the risk of hurting people, and finally head down a path for me. I could argue that a happy me is a better me...but I don't know that I can be any other way than this. I don't know if I can, even if I really wanted to…and I really really want to.

My Eulogy for my (step)dad...

I grew up in a family that could be termed many things...a broken home, a blended family, a dysfunctional family...whatever you want to call it...

My biological father abandoned us when I still a baby. I never met him and can’t honestly say I have any feelings for him aside from curiosity. C has been around for as long as I can remember, and he has loved my mother and all her baggage (aka me and my sister) for more than 30 years. After a lifetime of hurt, they found each other and built a life together. Their love wasn’t perfect or story book, but their love and devotion to one another was sincere....and that is a lot more than most people will ever have in their lives.

Through the trials and tears, lots and lots of yelling and fighting...there were also a lot of laughs. We were a bunch of broken people who tried the best we could to build a happy and honest life. C never denied my mother anything she wanted, and I can honestly say that everything he did, he did it for her. He made her happy, and my mom is hard woman to please...but he never ever stopped trying. Important things in his life were as follows...my mother, the grandkids, beer, Mercedes Benzes, and the Lakers. You could probably even list beer on there twice.

We hoped that today would be a day that everyone could remember how funny, generous and happy C was, almost to a fault.... He never said no to me, he treated me like I was his own. He bought me my first car, helped pay for my education, walked me down the aisle at my wedding, helped with all the major and minor events in my life whether it was financially or just to lend his moral support...C was my dad in every single way possible.

Growing up in this type of life has taught me a lot. Nothing is perfect. We don’t choose who we love. We can’t always control the outcome of our actions. We can’t always cling to ideals set by society and define ourselves by them, because no matter what everything will always fall short. We take it day by day. But most importantly, C taught me that without forgiveness we would never be able to move onward and forward with our lives. Without forgiveness we would never be able be truly happy, and when a group of broken people come together to form a family, we just do the best we can..and forgiveness and love is all we have.

C, I love you. I will always love you. You leave behind you a lot of people who will dearly miss you. I’m sorry for all the grief we may have caused you, but just know, that I would not be who I am today if I had not had you in my life. I know you were happy every single day, and you were content with your life. I only wish we had more time with you. You will always be my dad, you will always be Lolo to M and L, Ch and Char will always be my brother and sister, E will always be my nephew... because love is thicker than blood. Thank you for everything...

Girl Crush

I went to a friend's wedding this weekend in Vegas. Now you would assume that if you're drivng 500 miles to go to Vegas for a wedding that it would be held within a reasonable proximity of the Vegas strip, otherwise, what's the point? It's not as if we the bride and groom were locals. Nope, they're from LA, just like the majority of the guests. Instead, the bride and groom chose a golf course about 45 miles north of the Vegas strip in the middle of god's nowhere. As far as I could tell, the wedding could have been held in the Inland Empire, because the northern part of Nevada pretty much looks the same. I would have only had to drive and hour instead of 5. I must really love my friends.

I knew most of the guests already, but for the most part, everyone was new to me. After I got past the annoying and snobby sister team that has annoyed me for the better part of last 5 years, said hello to the few others I was familiar with, we made our way to the casino's nightclub to watch a band play. On the way down I noticed a very tall pretty woman. She had to have been about 6 feet tall. Her hair was highlighted blond, wavy and cut above her shoulders, and her eyes were blue. He had one of those great smiley faces, which is so the opposite of mine. She wasn't thin, but she wasn't fat. She was the size a woman of 6 feet tall should be. She was wearing a short black strapless dress and black heels. I really didn't notice her all that much, except for how tall she was. I wasn't feeling all that hot after our very long drive into Vegas, and then heading out of Vegas to find the wedding party... I was a bit cranky.

But after I had a few drinks and started to relax, and settled in to watch the band play, I felt much better. People were mingling and talking, and as I was looking behind me to see who was coming or going, the very tall girl sat in the empty seat opposite me and introduced herself. We talked for a bit, and she was very intelligent. We laughed and joked a little and talked about the bride and groom. She flashed a very sincere smile at me at one point, and I felt heat flash across my face.

She excused herself for a moment and I was felt something I'd never felt before about a woman. I didn't want her to leave. I wanted her to stay and talk to me. I wanted to get to know her. I had a girl crush! I couldn't help it. She's beautiful. I watched her move around the room and talk and I just wanted her to come back and sit with me. I wanted to get her alone and kiss her. I wanted her... *sigh* maybe I'll get to see her again soon.

Ed

I had a lover that I would visit about every 2 weeks that lived in Orange County. I hate Orange County. The city makes me feel uncomfortable. Everyone looks the same, and every house and street seem identical. The entire definition of cookie cutter was probably based on Orange County. Despite my prejudices, though, I would try and visit him about every few weeks. I may be married, but my relationships outside my marriage are friendships too. It's the way I prefer things, and I think my husband feels like I'm safer when he's a friend.

Anyway, OC lover lived across the street from a nice bar/restaurant in Laguna. It was more upscale, but they had a nice relaxing bar area. I would soon learn that the bar was a local gathering area for working professionals in their mid-40's cheating on their spouses. They would meet their partners in crime at the bar, have a drink and stumble out together. I watched a few couples go through the routine.

So, it was still a hot summer and a perfect night to go out. It was summertime so I was wearing sundress. I sat at the bar between an older gentleman and OC lover. As the drinks started flowing the older gentleman, who was there with a very inebriated friend, introduced himself as Ed.

He gave me a business card and complimented me on how beautiful I am. He started in on how exotic looking I am, my tattoos are sexy, my breasts are perfect... OC lover nodded in agreement, proud that he gets to fuck me I suppose. It was all very easy and funny. Every one was drunk and it was, at least for the moment, harmless flirting.

I excused myself at one point to go to the restroom. When I rounded the corner from the restroom when I returned, I noticed Ed and OC lover in deep conversation. They're heads snapped up and Ed started fidgeting around and laughing, as if he was caught doing something naughty.

Ed, aside from being older, he was approximately 53 years old, maybe about 6'2" and on was kind of like a teddy bear. He was a happy looking man, with silver hair. I do a lot of business with men his age, and they are always hung up on how different I look. Ed was no exception. He made it very clear that he thought that I could rip a man apart in bed, and he wanted to be a part of that...

"What are you guys doing?" I asked slowly when I returned to the bar.

Ed started to do that thing that men do when they are uncomfortable, he pulled up his pants and adjusted himself. He was smiling and laughing away with OC lover. "Ah- you caught us!" he laughed, a little too loudly, like he was trying to make light of whatever it was they were talking about.

OC lover had a smirk on his face, but his eyes were wide and he looked a little confused.

I didn't say anything. I just sat down and took a sip of my drink. Then after a bit I said, "Ok, what did I miss?"

They both laughed this time, then Ed said, "Well we were just talking here. And oh jesus-this is going to sound so perverted.... but I was asking OC here how you would feel about....um... coming over to my place and finishing the party off at my house."

I started laughing. It was involuntary. I was surprised. I wasn't sure if he was serious. "What?" I asked when I could manage to stop laughing.

"I don't mean to fuck me or anything. Oh-fuck, this is going to sound so sick... but, do you see that Mercedes SLK convertible parked right outside?"

I nodded.

"Well, it's mine. I have a big house up the hill with a spa and jacuzzi and everything. I would like you for you two to come back to my house. We can just hang out, soak in the jacuzzi, drink some more... and I'll give you 1,000 dollars to watch you have sex with him."

I was stunned. "Huh? Why?"

He laughed, "Jesus, that's why! You have no idea how fucking sexy you are, or maybe you do, but I don't think you really understand it!" he laughed a big hearty laugh. He made it sound like a real compliment, and he really meant it. "I won't do anything gross or weird. I just want to watch."

I was speechless. This was either the biggest compliment I had ever received, or I guess it could be viewed as really offensive. But I wasn't offended. I was flattered.

Looking back, I probably should have taken the money. It was a lot of money for having sex I was going to have anyway... but I think I was shocked by the whole thing. He offered me his information and wanted me to take a weekend with him and his girlfriend, if I ever changed my mind. Good thing I still have his info... you know... if I ever change my mind.

October 16, 2009

My best friend asked me to go to Target with her to help her register for her baby shower. We ran around the aisles and registered for this and that, and it made me feel a bit nostalgic. It was fun planning baby stuff.

Afterward, we were walking around the store and made our way into the health and beauty section. We passed the condom aisle, and I said "Let's buy condoms! It'll make us feel single and baby free again!" We stopped to laugh for a moment, when someone tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and it was a handsome young guy, maybe 21 at the oldest. "Excuse me?" he asked.

"Yes?" I said.

"Can I have your phone number?" he was smiling. He had been listening in on our conversation.

My best friend who's 8 months pregnant started laughing hysterically, "Oh my God! You just made pee a little!"She waddled as fast as she could to the restroom.

I guess I've officially entered cougarland...

I added 10 boxes of condoms to her baby shower registry.

Morning after...

"Do you want to get breakfast?" Ex asked as he pulled on his pants.

"No, I'm good. I've got to get moving. I've got a ton of stuff to do today." I had been up all night wondering how this morning was going to be, and replaying my conversation over and over again in my head with Thing 2. I really wanted Ex to go away.

He stood up and smiled at me. He followed me into the bathroom, where I had started to brush my teeth. He came up behind me and put his arms around my waist. He started to nuzzle my neck and he whispered, "God, I miss you."

I pulled away and rinsed my mouth out quickly. "Listen, I don't want you thinking that last night was some sort of make-up session. We are still broken-up. We are not back together." I know I sounded cruel, but Ex wasn't someone who always caught the hint. I had to be clear and direct, and I really didn't know what being nice would do for him. If him being angry with me would make things easier for him, then that was what I had to accept. . He thought we had made up somehow. I'm a terrible person. I didn't consider that sleeping with him would push a reset button with him, and he wouldn't be able handle it for what it was to me

His face crumpled, and then he shook it off, "Yeah, I know," he said quickly, trying to regain his composure. I guess my treatment of him was finally sinking in. He wasn't going to be spineless and needy anymore. "I just thought we could get breakfast as friends, but it's cool. Thanks for last night. I really needed to get laid." And with that, he turned and walked out of the bathroom, finished getting dressed and walked out. He didn't slam doors, didn't pout, didn't turn around and say good-bye or give me a kiss or anything. He wanted me to know, that he had just booty called me.

After being a little bit hurt, I was kind of proud of him. He was going to be okay.