I have been in love with my husband for about as long as I can remember... While I can be easily distracted, I've always loved him... in a way that I could never love another man. But sometimes I wonder if that love came from fear... the fear of where I came from.
I always need to make people happy, and I feel incredible pressure from everyone in my life to do just that. I'm the one that everyone thinks has all the answers, the rational one, the reasonable one, the one that knows how to negotiate anyone out of any situation. That was my function and role in my small family.
But, when my stepdad died... I realized that now all I have left from my childhood past is my mother, and when she dies...that's it. It makes me feel like an orphan, like I have no connection to anyone. I do have my husband and two children, of course...and that's not to say I don't adore my family, and would do anything for them.
Recently, though, my mother in law, who has always hated me, but respects me in many ways, says to my husband that she thinks he made a lot of bad decisions after college. It made me think about where I find myself now. While he says she's referring to his career choices... I know that part of the comment lays the blame on me.
I wanted to be married and have a family because I never had one. I wanted to a good man for my kids because I never had one. I wanted to make my man happy, because no one in my family was ever happy. I wanted to be the most understanding, coolest and hottest wife ever. I think I've achieved some of that on a superficial level.
I've managed to make people in my life happy. They love me for the way I make them feel. It has recently occurred to me, however, there is hardly anyone who has gone out of their way to try and make me happy...except my mom and stepdad. Even then, it wasn't without a lot of feelings of guilt and obligation for what other people thought of me.
I have a sister, but she's disowned us. My mom is part of the reason she hasn't been in touch with us in years...my mom didn't want to get her help, and run the risk of a stranger knowing our business. My family is pretty fucked up, and there are way too many secrets.
I'm contemplating that it would be nice if I could I take control of my life, let go, even if it runs the risk of hurting people, and finally head down a path for me. I could argue that a happy me is a better me...but I don't know that I can be any other way than this. I don't know if I can, even if I really wanted to…and I really really want to.
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