Where I find myself...

I don't think there is any helping it any longer... There's no turning back and no taking back the amount of emotion I've already invested in this less than ordinary relationship.

It's my own fault for allowing myself believe that I could manage my feelings enough to turn it on and off according to practicalities and logic. I always thought it would be easy. I've always felt a certain amount of sadness, or sometimes none at all, when i stopped seeing a lover... But I never actually loved any of them. I cared, but never enough to fully consider disrupting my life for any alternatives. I never thought about alternatives...

G broke all my personal rules about engaging in extra marital affairs... Something I would never admit to anyone outloud for fear of what it may mean if the universe got wind of it. I'm afraid of what it may mean if...

He's always been the first, however, to admit certain things... He admitted that he regrets that we are not single, that he cares deeply about me, that when he first slept together (despite the setting and circumstances) it was more than straight fucking. His words were that it was somewhere between fucking and making love. We connected and it was a feeling that vibrated throughout my whole body... And it was a feeling that had never experienced before.

Even with J, the actual act of fucking him was disappointing the first time. I was young and didn't know any better and thought that as long as i loved him it was enough... That moment in time was my moment of fire and passion and it was doomed from the very beginning.

But what is my excuse this time? I can't even admit to myself what this means. I'm so afraid and yet addicted to this incredible feeling of...

I try everyday to rationalize away this whole thing... I try very hard to tell myself that I'm being silly, that this is nothing but fun for either of us. I psyche myself out. I tell myself that the reason we like one another so much is be because we aren't in a relationship... But I know that isn't true. I know that he's going along with me and would be willing to give more, if I told him it would be ok.

Beyond that... I'm very afraid of my own feelings for him... But not enough to let go. I can't give up what I feel for him... Not yet. I don't want to. He makes me feel hopeful, scared, passionate, beautiful... He makes me want to want more than what I am. He makes me feel alive.