I am my own worse enemy

Ok, I'm pretty fucking sure that I'm being a tad bit neurotic and obsessive about my relationship with G. It's not like me to be this into anyone. I get a little obsessed for a bit...but I never really let a guy know it. It's mostly me wondering what they're doing, and driving myself crazy with ideas about how they're feelings may be changing on a day-to-day basis. In my experience, very few men are steadfast in their feeling. I mean, if you consider what it may have been like just two years ago with G, I'm sure he was perfectly happy in his current relationship.

But then I consider the fact that I shouldn't allow myself to think like that in the first place. I mean, what kind of ridiculousness is this? Who am i to even think that I have any right what so ever to even want him to want me... I need to constantly remind myself that this is a friendship with benefits type of situation. That eventually, this is going to end. I need to know that this is going to end amicably, with no drama...that is all I can really hope for. Anything beyond that, would just be utter nonsense and fantasy...

I know that, I can can rationalize that. But why, then, do I hope for something more. Even if I don't say it out loud, or share with anyone about it, I wonder what a future with a different path would lead us. Would we burn bright for a bit, and fizzle out quickly? Could we sustain an actual relationship? I'm not sure. Nothing about us, our encounters, our involvement...none of it is real. He's a worldly type of guy. He has flights of fancy that lead him all around the world. He has no ties or need to feel tied down. He rolls with it, and that's both frightening and exciting.

I'm making a fool of myself. I'm enjoying myself way too much...of these things, I know about myself. I'm glad that he finds a connection with me, but I'm also sure he's found that connection with lots of other women. If I just keep telling myself that, then I am able to reign in my feelings for him, and keep my mouth shut. I'm happy for my time with him, no matter what it means to him, and i'm not going to even assume it means anything more than just a good time.

When we first started seeing one another, he had a made a comment that he told his girlfriend that he needed some of his own space, that he needs to sew some oats and have a bit of divorcee time before he considered getting married again (he's currently going through a divorce). I asked him if that's what "we" were to him, and he said yes. I'm ok with that...until we started getting real about how much we like each other.

I have a feeling, however, that G's very accommodating in his relationship in the first place...Let's have a baby? "Ok". Let's get married? "Ok", Let's buy a house? "Ok"...but only after he finds himself in these types of situations does he look back retrospectively and consider... I don't want to be that to him...I don't want to say "Let's leave our families and try to be together..." because I don't want him to agree. I don't want to be one of those women. Plus growing up the way that I did, and around what I grew up with...It would take something really traumatic to pull me away from my kids.

I mean, even N beating the crap out of me, getting into fist fights, yelling, scratching...even though it has been more than 4 years since it last happened...not even that could take me away from them. I think it's primarily the reason why he lets me do what I want to do...

He's a good husband, when he's sober, working and useful. Sober, nothing is wrong with us. We laugh, we love, we talk, we work as a team...but when he drinks...it's not pretty. So much of our money, time, and pain is directly related to his drinking. N knows it, and he also knows he's one drunken mistake away from me walking out.

He loves you? You love him?

I've been pondering my relationship with G for the last 3-4 months because I'm still amazed that we're still seeing one another. My friend and I were talking and she asked me "Do you think he's in love with you? Do you think he'll ever want more?" I shrugged, "I don't know, I don't ask."

She tilted her head and gave me a narrowed look. "That's not like you. You wonder about everything. I think you're lying."

I smiled, what I suppose could have been interpreted as a sad kind of smile and said "Of course, it crosses my mind, but it does me no good to wonder or wish for anything. So, I'll go with it for as long as it lasts".

Then her smart ass cracks a smile and she says, "I phrased that questions incorrectly. I should have asked, are you in love with him? Do you think you will want anything more out of your relationship with him?"

"That," I said, "is entirely none of your business." Then i cracked a stupid half smile. "But I'll answer the best I know how.... I like him. You know the type of guys I like. He's attractive and sexy and smart. I like to hear him talk. I like finding out little things about him a little at a time. I think it partly sustains the interest and attraction to one another. We take nothing for granted, because we live far apart, because of our current relationships, because of our entire lives. Every moment we can spend together counts. And when we part, there's always sense of finality to it. Because we don't really know when we'll see each other again. For me, at least, I can say that its probably more than that. I always feel like I'm in a waking dream and that our relationship is subject to so many different factors, that each day I wonder if we will ever just stop seeing each other. He and I talk about it sometimes. While we do talk about anything and everything, we still have amazing control over our emotions, and how much we express to each other. The only time we completely let go of everything and allow ourselves to be completely together, is when we are...." I paused because up until that moment, I really didn't know what to call it.

"When you guys are...making love?" she offered.

I smiled, "Ok, you can say that. I still can't."

"Ah, that means you love him." she said.

I said nothing more about G the rest of the night, and neither did she. It's not a mystery to me how I feel about him. I just can't say anything about it.

I suppose, you can say, that "like" is not a strong enough word to really express the depths of my feelings for him. Love, well, I guess that's a better word... because I care about him beyond what we are to one another. I think of him all the time. I want share ordinary moments with him as much as extraordinary ones. I want know him, because I don't think anyone really knows him. I want to be his friend for a long as our lives will allow it. We have passion and lust and attraction. Our affection extends beyond physical.

I wish I could say that the situation plagues me, that I'm ridden with guilt for being unfaithful to my husband in such a way...but I won't. Because I don't. Not everyone is going to understand the mechanics of how I feel, and have it fit into their limited understanding about love and life and sex. That these are not things that will have a consistent form. Maybe its possible that people just out grow one another. Maybe it is possible to love more than one person. Maybe it is possible to do the right thing and stand by your commitments, and not completely let it destroy your dreams of being happy for the sake of yourself.

Maybe... G and I are fooling ourselves into believing that we aren't harming anyone. I know at least, we are aren't hurting my husband. He really doesn't care one way or another who I sleep with, as long as he's the one who's with me. I'm his muse, and he needs me, loves me more than I love him... which is horrible to say, but it's true.

Maybe G and I are lying to ourselves when we say we don't need anything more than this right now. Who knows? I don't know. Do I love him? I don't think it even really matters....