I am my own worse enemy

Ok, I'm pretty fucking sure that I'm being a tad bit neurotic and obsessive about my relationship with G. It's not like me to be this into anyone. I get a little obsessed for a bit...but I never really let a guy know it. It's mostly me wondering what they're doing, and driving myself crazy with ideas about how they're feelings may be changing on a day-to-day basis. In my experience, very few men are steadfast in their feeling. I mean, if you consider what it may have been like just two years ago with G, I'm sure he was perfectly happy in his current relationship.

But then I consider the fact that I shouldn't allow myself to think like that in the first place. I mean, what kind of ridiculousness is this? Who am i to even think that I have any right what so ever to even want him to want me... I need to constantly remind myself that this is a friendship with benefits type of situation. That eventually, this is going to end. I need to know that this is going to end amicably, with no drama...that is all I can really hope for. Anything beyond that, would just be utter nonsense and fantasy...

I know that, I can can rationalize that. But why, then, do I hope for something more. Even if I don't say it out loud, or share with anyone about it, I wonder what a future with a different path would lead us. Would we burn bright for a bit, and fizzle out quickly? Could we sustain an actual relationship? I'm not sure. Nothing about us, our encounters, our involvement...none of it is real. He's a worldly type of guy. He has flights of fancy that lead him all around the world. He has no ties or need to feel tied down. He rolls with it, and that's both frightening and exciting.

I'm making a fool of myself. I'm enjoying myself way too much...of these things, I know about myself. I'm glad that he finds a connection with me, but I'm also sure he's found that connection with lots of other women. If I just keep telling myself that, then I am able to reign in my feelings for him, and keep my mouth shut. I'm happy for my time with him, no matter what it means to him, and i'm not going to even assume it means anything more than just a good time.

When we first started seeing one another, he had a made a comment that he told his girlfriend that he needed some of his own space, that he needs to sew some oats and have a bit of divorcee time before he considered getting married again (he's currently going through a divorce). I asked him if that's what "we" were to him, and he said yes. I'm ok with that...until we started getting real about how much we like each other.

I have a feeling, however, that G's very accommodating in his relationship in the first place...Let's have a baby? "Ok". Let's get married? "Ok", Let's buy a house? "Ok"...but only after he finds himself in these types of situations does he look back retrospectively and consider... I don't want to be that to him...I don't want to say "Let's leave our families and try to be together..." because I don't want him to agree. I don't want to be one of those women. Plus growing up the way that I did, and around what I grew up with...It would take something really traumatic to pull me away from my kids.

I mean, even N beating the crap out of me, getting into fist fights, yelling, scratching...even though it has been more than 4 years since it last happened...not even that could take me away from them. I think it's primarily the reason why he lets me do what I want to do...

He's a good husband, when he's sober, working and useful. Sober, nothing is wrong with us. We laugh, we love, we talk, we work as a team...but when he drinks...it's not pretty. So much of our money, time, and pain is directly related to his drinking. N knows it, and he also knows he's one drunken mistake away from me walking out.