He loves you? You love him?

I've been pondering my relationship with G for the last 3-4 months because I'm still amazed that we're still seeing one another. My friend and I were talking and she asked me "Do you think he's in love with you? Do you think he'll ever want more?" I shrugged, "I don't know, I don't ask."

She tilted her head and gave me a narrowed look. "That's not like you. You wonder about everything. I think you're lying."

I smiled, what I suppose could have been interpreted as a sad kind of smile and said "Of course, it crosses my mind, but it does me no good to wonder or wish for anything. So, I'll go with it for as long as it lasts".

Then her smart ass cracks a smile and she says, "I phrased that questions incorrectly. I should have asked, are you in love with him? Do you think you will want anything more out of your relationship with him?"

"That," I said, "is entirely none of your business." Then i cracked a stupid half smile. "But I'll answer the best I know how.... I like him. You know the type of guys I like. He's attractive and sexy and smart. I like to hear him talk. I like finding out little things about him a little at a time. I think it partly sustains the interest and attraction to one another. We take nothing for granted, because we live far apart, because of our current relationships, because of our entire lives. Every moment we can spend together counts. And when we part, there's always sense of finality to it. Because we don't really know when we'll see each other again. For me, at least, I can say that its probably more than that. I always feel like I'm in a waking dream and that our relationship is subject to so many different factors, that each day I wonder if we will ever just stop seeing each other. He and I talk about it sometimes. While we do talk about anything and everything, we still have amazing control over our emotions, and how much we express to each other. The only time we completely let go of everything and allow ourselves to be completely together, is when we are...." I paused because up until that moment, I really didn't know what to call it.

"When you guys are...making love?" she offered.

I smiled, "Ok, you can say that. I still can't."

"Ah, that means you love him." she said.

I said nothing more about G the rest of the night, and neither did she. It's not a mystery to me how I feel about him. I just can't say anything about it.

I suppose, you can say, that "like" is not a strong enough word to really express the depths of my feelings for him. Love, well, I guess that's a better word... because I care about him beyond what we are to one another. I think of him all the time. I want share ordinary moments with him as much as extraordinary ones. I want know him, because I don't think anyone really knows him. I want to be his friend for a long as our lives will allow it. We have passion and lust and attraction. Our affection extends beyond physical.

I wish I could say that the situation plagues me, that I'm ridden with guilt for being unfaithful to my husband in such a way...but I won't. Because I don't. Not everyone is going to understand the mechanics of how I feel, and have it fit into their limited understanding about love and life and sex. That these are not things that will have a consistent form. Maybe its possible that people just out grow one another. Maybe it is possible to love more than one person. Maybe it is possible to do the right thing and stand by your commitments, and not completely let it destroy your dreams of being happy for the sake of yourself.

Maybe... G and I are fooling ourselves into believing that we aren't harming anyone. I know at least, we are aren't hurting my husband. He really doesn't care one way or another who I sleep with, as long as he's the one who's with me. I'm his muse, and he needs me, loves me more than I love him... which is horrible to say, but it's true.

Maybe G and I are lying to ourselves when we say we don't need anything more than this right now. Who knows? I don't know. Do I love him? I don't think it even really matters....