Circles

What worries me most about my relationship with G are my own feelings. With him I can picture my life differently. With G, my life seems bigger and wider than it is. I can see the life I thought I was going to have, before my life actually happened. And now, it's hard to see what life would be like without that kind of spark in it, without G in it.

I mean I get it...I can't ever be with him in the really real world, but like many things...circumstance rarely dictates what people really want in life, and it doesn't stop them from wanting it.

I go in circles about how I feel about him, because it's all very new to me. Our relationship is honest but based on fantasy, so it's hard to know what's real about how we feel. It's also hard to know where the boundaries are and where they lie. They get blurred a lot. Sometimes I think I have some sense of how he feels about me, and only me. He made a comment that our relationship between each other is so simple, but it's the circumstances surrounding our lives that is complicated. We're both very clear headed in that sense. We're also very prepared for disaster, in the event we ever have to stop seeing each other at all. It's all very tenuous.

I tell myself that I'm ready for that to happen, but I would be lying if I said I don't dread the inevitable day it will all end. When it does, I will always be thankful for the time we had together, because I think we both wonder the shoulda, woulda, coulda's of our lives from here on. We showed each other what it can be like to have passion, respect, and acceptance all in one person. We come from total opposite ends of the world. There is no reason he and I should even know each other... none at all...and yet here we are...

We acknowledge our feelings for one another openly and without hesitation, except for the one little thing we can't say.... So, we express it in other ways. Knowing what we know now, though, and the kind of relationship we could have...it's gonna hurt like hell when it does end.

If there was ever chance for us to be together, I'd probably jump at the opportunity. But I don't see that ever happening, and I can't imagine the series of events that would lead us to that moment. So, I'd rather not even hope for it.

But in the end...I really believe it would have been worth it, and I will never forget him.