Finally....

Ok, I get it...Although my infatuation with G lasted a bit longer then most, I think I've reached my threshold. It has largely to do with the fact that he's not as attentive or actively communicating with me, and when it started happening, my guard immediately went up. I'll reciprocate...but I don't chase people who don't want to chase me. It's just a habit and somethng I know about myself. I know there is not future there, and I as much as I would like to indulge my feelings for him, there's no way I would take that chance on a whim or a fling or infatuation.

I like him a whole bunch. I like being with him, and being intimate with him, sharing things with him...but none of it is real. I know that. I've always known that. But I was willing to roll with it for as long as he was, so long as he was still interested and in me, and he didn't make any unreasonable demands or requests.

But I did get carried away. I did allow myself to wander mentally...but beyond that, I didn't do much else.

It's exciting and new, and there's all kinds of new feels that were flying around...but it's doomed and short-lived. Unless another man can love me more than N does, and can tolerate the kind of mayhem I can bring...there is no other rational choice. G, although sweet and romantic, is very guarded with his feelings and will not plunge into the depts of love at every cost. N has for me. I know this... I just accept the things that will never change with him, but those things don't add up to enough reason to change my life and love anyone else.

My feelings change with the tides though...so if the effort was made and if there was some sense of me not making a fool of myself...well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, I'll enjoy whatever time G wants to give me, or none at all...I cherish it either way.