Lies

The evenings we spend together and the mornings before you awake, I press myself against your back with my arms around you...trying not to forget you, your smell, your skin, our lies...The mornings and days after our nights together are a sign that it is the end of our lies as we go back to our real lives...

I knew it was different with you than almost anyone I've ever been with when I feel sad when you go. I've probably only felt sad about 3 people I've ever been intimate with.... But I've been thinking about writing about us, about me and when I do start thinking about it, I start to ponder things a little more closely than I normally would.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to fall again. I would have liked to feel like that with you. If you were to tell me things that I would need to hear, I would probably change my life for you...so as much as I wish and desire to hear you say the words...I am glad you don't. I would like to believe that you stop yourself and that you do not say more than you should because our silence is really the only things that sustains our delicate friendship.

The only thing that I am able to control are my own actions. I don't even control my own feelings. I asked you, not too long ago, if there has ever been anyone you have regretted, some one that pulls our heart strings a little more than anyone else in your past may have. You said that there hasn't ever been, that most of your relationships ended for good reasons. I believe that about everything. I believe that when most things end, no matter the reason, it's probably a good one.

I wonder what our reasons will be...

Circles

What worries me most about my relationship with G are my own feelings. With him I can picture my life differently. With G, my life seems bigger and wider than it is. I can see the life I thought I was going to have, before my life actually happened. And now, it's hard to see what life would be like without that kind of spark in it, without G in it.

I mean I get it...I can't ever be with him in the really real world, but like many things...circumstance rarely dictates what people really want in life, and it doesn't stop them from wanting it.

I go in circles about how I feel about him, because it's all very new to me. Our relationship is honest but based on fantasy, so it's hard to know what's real about how we feel. It's also hard to know where the boundaries are and where they lie. They get blurred a lot. Sometimes I think I have some sense of how he feels about me, and only me. He made a comment that our relationship between each other is so simple, but it's the circumstances surrounding our lives that is complicated. We're both very clear headed in that sense. We're also very prepared for disaster, in the event we ever have to stop seeing each other at all. It's all very tenuous.

I tell myself that I'm ready for that to happen, but I would be lying if I said I don't dread the inevitable day it will all end. When it does, I will always be thankful for the time we had together, because I think we both wonder the shoulda, woulda, coulda's of our lives from here on. We showed each other what it can be like to have passion, respect, and acceptance all in one person. We come from total opposite ends of the world. There is no reason he and I should even know each other... none at all...and yet here we are...

We acknowledge our feelings for one another openly and without hesitation, except for the one little thing we can't say.... So, we express it in other ways. Knowing what we know now, though, and the kind of relationship we could have...it's gonna hurt like hell when it does end.

If there was ever chance for us to be together, I'd probably jump at the opportunity. But I don't see that ever happening, and I can't imagine the series of events that would lead us to that moment. So, I'd rather not even hope for it.

But in the end...I really believe it would have been worth it, and I will never forget him.

Finally....

Ok, I get it...Although my infatuation with G lasted a bit longer then most, I think I've reached my threshold. It has largely to do with the fact that he's not as attentive or actively communicating with me, and when it started happening, my guard immediately went up. I'll reciprocate...but I don't chase people who don't want to chase me. It's just a habit and somethng I know about myself. I know there is not future there, and I as much as I would like to indulge my feelings for him, there's no way I would take that chance on a whim or a fling or infatuation.

I like him a whole bunch. I like being with him, and being intimate with him, sharing things with him...but none of it is real. I know that. I've always known that. But I was willing to roll with it for as long as he was, so long as he was still interested and in me, and he didn't make any unreasonable demands or requests.

But I did get carried away. I did allow myself to wander mentally...but beyond that, I didn't do much else.

It's exciting and new, and there's all kinds of new feels that were flying around...but it's doomed and short-lived. Unless another man can love me more than N does, and can tolerate the kind of mayhem I can bring...there is no other rational choice. G, although sweet and romantic, is very guarded with his feelings and will not plunge into the depts of love at every cost. N has for me. I know this... I just accept the things that will never change with him, but those things don't add up to enough reason to change my life and love anyone else.

My feelings change with the tides though...so if the effort was made and if there was some sense of me not making a fool of myself...well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, I'll enjoy whatever time G wants to give me, or none at all...I cherish it either way.

I am my own worse enemy

Ok, I'm pretty fucking sure that I'm being a tad bit neurotic and obsessive about my relationship with G. It's not like me to be this into anyone. I get a little obsessed for a bit...but I never really let a guy know it. It's mostly me wondering what they're doing, and driving myself crazy with ideas about how they're feelings may be changing on a day-to-day basis. In my experience, very few men are steadfast in their feeling. I mean, if you consider what it may have been like just two years ago with G, I'm sure he was perfectly happy in his current relationship.

But then I consider the fact that I shouldn't allow myself to think like that in the first place. I mean, what kind of ridiculousness is this? Who am i to even think that I have any right what so ever to even want him to want me... I need to constantly remind myself that this is a friendship with benefits type of situation. That eventually, this is going to end. I need to know that this is going to end amicably, with no drama...that is all I can really hope for. Anything beyond that, would just be utter nonsense and fantasy...

I know that, I can can rationalize that. But why, then, do I hope for something more. Even if I don't say it out loud, or share with anyone about it, I wonder what a future with a different path would lead us. Would we burn bright for a bit, and fizzle out quickly? Could we sustain an actual relationship? I'm not sure. Nothing about us, our encounters, our involvement...none of it is real. He's a worldly type of guy. He has flights of fancy that lead him all around the world. He has no ties or need to feel tied down. He rolls with it, and that's both frightening and exciting.

I'm making a fool of myself. I'm enjoying myself way too much...of these things, I know about myself. I'm glad that he finds a connection with me, but I'm also sure he's found that connection with lots of other women. If I just keep telling myself that, then I am able to reign in my feelings for him, and keep my mouth shut. I'm happy for my time with him, no matter what it means to him, and i'm not going to even assume it means anything more than just a good time.

When we first started seeing one another, he had a made a comment that he told his girlfriend that he needed some of his own space, that he needs to sew some oats and have a bit of divorcee time before he considered getting married again (he's currently going through a divorce). I asked him if that's what "we" were to him, and he said yes. I'm ok with that...until we started getting real about how much we like each other.

I have a feeling, however, that G's very accommodating in his relationship in the first place...Let's have a baby? "Ok". Let's get married? "Ok", Let's buy a house? "Ok"...but only after he finds himself in these types of situations does he look back retrospectively and consider... I don't want to be that to him...I don't want to say "Let's leave our families and try to be together..." because I don't want him to agree. I don't want to be one of those women. Plus growing up the way that I did, and around what I grew up with...It would take something really traumatic to pull me away from my kids.

I mean, even N beating the crap out of me, getting into fist fights, yelling, scratching...even though it has been more than 4 years since it last happened...not even that could take me away from them. I think it's primarily the reason why he lets me do what I want to do...

He's a good husband, when he's sober, working and useful. Sober, nothing is wrong with us. We laugh, we love, we talk, we work as a team...but when he drinks...it's not pretty. So much of our money, time, and pain is directly related to his drinking. N knows it, and he also knows he's one drunken mistake away from me walking out.

He loves you? You love him?

I've been pondering my relationship with G for the last 3-4 months because I'm still amazed that we're still seeing one another. My friend and I were talking and she asked me "Do you think he's in love with you? Do you think he'll ever want more?" I shrugged, "I don't know, I don't ask."

She tilted her head and gave me a narrowed look. "That's not like you. You wonder about everything. I think you're lying."

I smiled, what I suppose could have been interpreted as a sad kind of smile and said "Of course, it crosses my mind, but it does me no good to wonder or wish for anything. So, I'll go with it for as long as it lasts".

Then her smart ass cracks a smile and she says, "I phrased that questions incorrectly. I should have asked, are you in love with him? Do you think you will want anything more out of your relationship with him?"

"That," I said, "is entirely none of your business." Then i cracked a stupid half smile. "But I'll answer the best I know how.... I like him. You know the type of guys I like. He's attractive and sexy and smart. I like to hear him talk. I like finding out little things about him a little at a time. I think it partly sustains the interest and attraction to one another. We take nothing for granted, because we live far apart, because of our current relationships, because of our entire lives. Every moment we can spend together counts. And when we part, there's always sense of finality to it. Because we don't really know when we'll see each other again. For me, at least, I can say that its probably more than that. I always feel like I'm in a waking dream and that our relationship is subject to so many different factors, that each day I wonder if we will ever just stop seeing each other. He and I talk about it sometimes. While we do talk about anything and everything, we still have amazing control over our emotions, and how much we express to each other. The only time we completely let go of everything and allow ourselves to be completely together, is when we are...." I paused because up until that moment, I really didn't know what to call it.

"When you guys are...making love?" she offered.

I smiled, "Ok, you can say that. I still can't."

"Ah, that means you love him." she said.

I said nothing more about G the rest of the night, and neither did she. It's not a mystery to me how I feel about him. I just can't say anything about it.

I suppose, you can say, that "like" is not a strong enough word to really express the depths of my feelings for him. Love, well, I guess that's a better word... because I care about him beyond what we are to one another. I think of him all the time. I want share ordinary moments with him as much as extraordinary ones. I want know him, because I don't think anyone really knows him. I want to be his friend for a long as our lives will allow it. We have passion and lust and attraction. Our affection extends beyond physical.

I wish I could say that the situation plagues me, that I'm ridden with guilt for being unfaithful to my husband in such a way...but I won't. Because I don't. Not everyone is going to understand the mechanics of how I feel, and have it fit into their limited understanding about love and life and sex. That these are not things that will have a consistent form. Maybe its possible that people just out grow one another. Maybe it is possible to love more than one person. Maybe it is possible to do the right thing and stand by your commitments, and not completely let it destroy your dreams of being happy for the sake of yourself.

Maybe... G and I are fooling ourselves into believing that we aren't harming anyone. I know at least, we are aren't hurting my husband. He really doesn't care one way or another who I sleep with, as long as he's the one who's with me. I'm his muse, and he needs me, loves me more than I love him... which is horrible to say, but it's true.

Maybe G and I are lying to ourselves when we say we don't need anything more than this right now. Who knows? I don't know. Do I love him? I don't think it even really matters....

Where I find myself...

I don't think there is any helping it any longer... There's no turning back and no taking back the amount of emotion I've already invested in this less than ordinary relationship.

It's my own fault for allowing myself believe that I could manage my feelings enough to turn it on and off according to practicalities and logic. I always thought it would be easy. I've always felt a certain amount of sadness, or sometimes none at all, when i stopped seeing a lover... But I never actually loved any of them. I cared, but never enough to fully consider disrupting my life for any alternatives. I never thought about alternatives...

G broke all my personal rules about engaging in extra marital affairs... Something I would never admit to anyone outloud for fear of what it may mean if the universe got wind of it. I'm afraid of what it may mean if...

He's always been the first, however, to admit certain things... He admitted that he regrets that we are not single, that he cares deeply about me, that when he first slept together (despite the setting and circumstances) it was more than straight fucking. His words were that it was somewhere between fucking and making love. We connected and it was a feeling that vibrated throughout my whole body... And it was a feeling that had never experienced before.

Even with J, the actual act of fucking him was disappointing the first time. I was young and didn't know any better and thought that as long as i loved him it was enough... That moment in time was my moment of fire and passion and it was doomed from the very beginning.

But what is my excuse this time? I can't even admit to myself what this means. I'm so afraid and yet addicted to this incredible feeling of...

I try everyday to rationalize away this whole thing... I try very hard to tell myself that I'm being silly, that this is nothing but fun for either of us. I psyche myself out. I tell myself that the reason we like one another so much is be because we aren't in a relationship... But I know that isn't true. I know that he's going along with me and would be willing to give more, if I told him it would be ok.

Beyond that... I'm very afraid of my own feelings for him... But not enough to let go. I can't give up what I feel for him... Not yet. I don't want to. He makes me feel hopeful, scared, passionate, beautiful... He makes me want to want more than what I am. He makes me feel alive.

Conflicted originally written 3-15-2011

I have been in love with my husband for about as long as I can remember... While I can be easily distracted, I've always loved him... in a way that I could never love another man. But sometimes I wonder if that love came from fear... the fear of where I came from.

I always need to make people happy, and I feel incredible pressure from everyone in my life to do just that. I'm the one that everyone thinks has all the answers, the rational one, the reasonable one, the one that knows how to negotiate anyone out of any situation. That was my function and role in my small family.

But, when my stepdad died... I realized that now all I have left from my childhood past is my mother, and when she dies...that's it. It makes me feel like an orphan, like I have no connection to anyone. I do have my husband and two children, of course...and that's not to say I don't adore my family, and would do anything for them.

Recently, though, my mother in law, who has always hated me, but respects me in many ways, says to my husband that she thinks he made a lot of bad decisions after college. It made me think about where I find myself now. While he says she's referring to his career choices... I know that part of the comment lays the blame on me.

I wanted to be married and have a family because I never had one. I wanted to a good man for my kids because I never had one. I wanted to make my man happy, because no one in my family was ever happy. I wanted to be the most understanding, coolest and hottest wife ever. I think I've achieved some of that on a superficial level.

I've managed to make people in my life happy. They love me for the way I make them feel. It has recently occurred to me, however, there is hardly anyone who has gone out of their way to try and make me happy...except my mom and stepdad. Even then, it wasn't without a lot of feelings of guilt and obligation for what other people thought of me.

I have a sister, but she's disowned us. My mom is part of the reason she hasn't been in touch with us in years...my mom didn't want to get her help, and run the risk of a stranger knowing our business. My family is pretty fucked up, and there are way too many secrets.

I'm contemplating that it would be nice if I could I take control of my life, let go, even if it runs the risk of hurting people, and finally head down a path for me. I could argue that a happy me is a better me...but I don't know that I can be any other way than this. I don't know if I can, even if I really wanted to…and I really really want to.

My Eulogy for my (step)dad...

I grew up in a family that could be termed many things...a broken home, a blended family, a dysfunctional family...whatever you want to call it...

My biological father abandoned us when I still a baby. I never met him and can’t honestly say I have any feelings for him aside from curiosity. C has been around for as long as I can remember, and he has loved my mother and all her baggage (aka me and my sister) for more than 30 years. After a lifetime of hurt, they found each other and built a life together. Their love wasn’t perfect or story book, but their love and devotion to one another was sincere....and that is a lot more than most people will ever have in their lives.

Through the trials and tears, lots and lots of yelling and fighting...there were also a lot of laughs. We were a bunch of broken people who tried the best we could to build a happy and honest life. C never denied my mother anything she wanted, and I can honestly say that everything he did, he did it for her. He made her happy, and my mom is hard woman to please...but he never ever stopped trying. Important things in his life were as follows...my mother, the grandkids, beer, Mercedes Benzes, and the Lakers. You could probably even list beer on there twice.

We hoped that today would be a day that everyone could remember how funny, generous and happy C was, almost to a fault.... He never said no to me, he treated me like I was his own. He bought me my first car, helped pay for my education, walked me down the aisle at my wedding, helped with all the major and minor events in my life whether it was financially or just to lend his moral support...C was my dad in every single way possible.

Growing up in this type of life has taught me a lot. Nothing is perfect. We don’t choose who we love. We can’t always control the outcome of our actions. We can’t always cling to ideals set by society and define ourselves by them, because no matter what everything will always fall short. We take it day by day. But most importantly, C taught me that without forgiveness we would never be able to move onward and forward with our lives. Without forgiveness we would never be able be truly happy, and when a group of broken people come together to form a family, we just do the best we can..and forgiveness and love is all we have.

C, I love you. I will always love you. You leave behind you a lot of people who will dearly miss you. I’m sorry for all the grief we may have caused you, but just know, that I would not be who I am today if I had not had you in my life. I know you were happy every single day, and you were content with your life. I only wish we had more time with you. You will always be my dad, you will always be Lolo to M and L, Ch and Char will always be my brother and sister, E will always be my nephew... because love is thicker than blood. Thank you for everything...