Lies

The evenings we spend together and the mornings before you awake, I press myself against your back with my arms around you...trying not to forget you, your smell, your skin, our lies...The mornings and days after our nights together are a sign that it is the end of our lies as we go back to our real lives...

I knew it was different with you than almost anyone I've ever been with when I feel sad when you go. I've probably only felt sad about 3 people I've ever been intimate with.... But I've been thinking about writing about us, about me and when I do start thinking about it, I start to ponder things a little more closely than I normally would.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to fall again. I would have liked to feel like that with you. If you were to tell me things that I would need to hear, I would probably change my life for you...so as much as I wish and desire to hear you say the words...I am glad you don't. I would like to believe that you stop yourself and that you do not say more than you should because our silence is really the only things that sustains our delicate friendship.

The only thing that I am able to control are my own actions. I don't even control my own feelings. I asked you, not too long ago, if there has ever been anyone you have regretted, some one that pulls our heart strings a little more than anyone else in your past may have. You said that there hasn't ever been, that most of your relationships ended for good reasons. I believe that about everything. I believe that when most things end, no matter the reason, it's probably a good one.

I wonder what our reasons will be...

Circles

What worries me most about my relationship with G are my own feelings. With him I can picture my life differently. With G, my life seems bigger and wider than it is. I can see the life I thought I was going to have, before my life actually happened. And now, it's hard to see what life would be like without that kind of spark in it, without G in it.

I mean I get it...I can't ever be with him in the really real world, but like many things...circumstance rarely dictates what people really want in life, and it doesn't stop them from wanting it.

I go in circles about how I feel about him, because it's all very new to me. Our relationship is honest but based on fantasy, so it's hard to know what's real about how we feel. It's also hard to know where the boundaries are and where they lie. They get blurred a lot. Sometimes I think I have some sense of how he feels about me, and only me. He made a comment that our relationship between each other is so simple, but it's the circumstances surrounding our lives that is complicated. We're both very clear headed in that sense. We're also very prepared for disaster, in the event we ever have to stop seeing each other at all. It's all very tenuous.

I tell myself that I'm ready for that to happen, but I would be lying if I said I don't dread the inevitable day it will all end. When it does, I will always be thankful for the time we had together, because I think we both wonder the shoulda, woulda, coulda's of our lives from here on. We showed each other what it can be like to have passion, respect, and acceptance all in one person. We come from total opposite ends of the world. There is no reason he and I should even know each other... none at all...and yet here we are...

We acknowledge our feelings for one another openly and without hesitation, except for the one little thing we can't say.... So, we express it in other ways. Knowing what we know now, though, and the kind of relationship we could have...it's gonna hurt like hell when it does end.

If there was ever chance for us to be together, I'd probably jump at the opportunity. But I don't see that ever happening, and I can't imagine the series of events that would lead us to that moment. So, I'd rather not even hope for it.

But in the end...I really believe it would have been worth it, and I will never forget him.

Finally....

Ok, I get it...Although my infatuation with G lasted a bit longer then most, I think I've reached my threshold. It has largely to do with the fact that he's not as attentive or actively communicating with me, and when it started happening, my guard immediately went up. I'll reciprocate...but I don't chase people who don't want to chase me. It's just a habit and somethng I know about myself. I know there is not future there, and I as much as I would like to indulge my feelings for him, there's no way I would take that chance on a whim or a fling or infatuation.

I like him a whole bunch. I like being with him, and being intimate with him, sharing things with him...but none of it is real. I know that. I've always known that. But I was willing to roll with it for as long as he was, so long as he was still interested and in me, and he didn't make any unreasonable demands or requests.

But I did get carried away. I did allow myself to wander mentally...but beyond that, I didn't do much else.

It's exciting and new, and there's all kinds of new feels that were flying around...but it's doomed and short-lived. Unless another man can love me more than N does, and can tolerate the kind of mayhem I can bring...there is no other rational choice. G, although sweet and romantic, is very guarded with his feelings and will not plunge into the depts of love at every cost. N has for me. I know this... I just accept the things that will never change with him, but those things don't add up to enough reason to change my life and love anyone else.

My feelings change with the tides though...so if the effort was made and if there was some sense of me not making a fool of myself...well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, I'll enjoy whatever time G wants to give me, or none at all...I cherish it either way.

I am my own worse enemy

Ok, I'm pretty fucking sure that I'm being a tad bit neurotic and obsessive about my relationship with G. It's not like me to be this into anyone. I get a little obsessed for a bit...but I never really let a guy know it. It's mostly me wondering what they're doing, and driving myself crazy with ideas about how they're feelings may be changing on a day-to-day basis. In my experience, very few men are steadfast in their feeling. I mean, if you consider what it may have been like just two years ago with G, I'm sure he was perfectly happy in his current relationship.

But then I consider the fact that I shouldn't allow myself to think like that in the first place. I mean, what kind of ridiculousness is this? Who am i to even think that I have any right what so ever to even want him to want me... I need to constantly remind myself that this is a friendship with benefits type of situation. That eventually, this is going to end. I need to know that this is going to end amicably, with no drama...that is all I can really hope for. Anything beyond that, would just be utter nonsense and fantasy...

I know that, I can can rationalize that. But why, then, do I hope for something more. Even if I don't say it out loud, or share with anyone about it, I wonder what a future with a different path would lead us. Would we burn bright for a bit, and fizzle out quickly? Could we sustain an actual relationship? I'm not sure. Nothing about us, our encounters, our involvement...none of it is real. He's a worldly type of guy. He has flights of fancy that lead him all around the world. He has no ties or need to feel tied down. He rolls with it, and that's both frightening and exciting.

I'm making a fool of myself. I'm enjoying myself way too much...of these things, I know about myself. I'm glad that he finds a connection with me, but I'm also sure he's found that connection with lots of other women. If I just keep telling myself that, then I am able to reign in my feelings for him, and keep my mouth shut. I'm happy for my time with him, no matter what it means to him, and i'm not going to even assume it means anything more than just a good time.

When we first started seeing one another, he had a made a comment that he told his girlfriend that he needed some of his own space, that he needs to sew some oats and have a bit of divorcee time before he considered getting married again (he's currently going through a divorce). I asked him if that's what "we" were to him, and he said yes. I'm ok with that...until we started getting real about how much we like each other.

I have a feeling, however, that G's very accommodating in his relationship in the first place...Let's have a baby? "Ok". Let's get married? "Ok", Let's buy a house? "Ok"...but only after he finds himself in these types of situations does he look back retrospectively and consider... I don't want to be that to him...I don't want to say "Let's leave our families and try to be together..." because I don't want him to agree. I don't want to be one of those women. Plus growing up the way that I did, and around what I grew up with...It would take something really traumatic to pull me away from my kids.

I mean, even N beating the crap out of me, getting into fist fights, yelling, scratching...even though it has been more than 4 years since it last happened...not even that could take me away from them. I think it's primarily the reason why he lets me do what I want to do...

He's a good husband, when he's sober, working and useful. Sober, nothing is wrong with us. We laugh, we love, we talk, we work as a team...but when he drinks...it's not pretty. So much of our money, time, and pain is directly related to his drinking. N knows it, and he also knows he's one drunken mistake away from me walking out.

He loves you? You love him?

I've been pondering my relationship with G for the last 3-4 months because I'm still amazed that we're still seeing one another. My friend and I were talking and she asked me "Do you think he's in love with you? Do you think he'll ever want more?" I shrugged, "I don't know, I don't ask."

She tilted her head and gave me a narrowed look. "That's not like you. You wonder about everything. I think you're lying."

I smiled, what I suppose could have been interpreted as a sad kind of smile and said "Of course, it crosses my mind, but it does me no good to wonder or wish for anything. So, I'll go with it for as long as it lasts".

Then her smart ass cracks a smile and she says, "I phrased that questions incorrectly. I should have asked, are you in love with him? Do you think you will want anything more out of your relationship with him?"

"That," I said, "is entirely none of your business." Then i cracked a stupid half smile. "But I'll answer the best I know how.... I like him. You know the type of guys I like. He's attractive and sexy and smart. I like to hear him talk. I like finding out little things about him a little at a time. I think it partly sustains the interest and attraction to one another. We take nothing for granted, because we live far apart, because of our current relationships, because of our entire lives. Every moment we can spend together counts. And when we part, there's always sense of finality to it. Because we don't really know when we'll see each other again. For me, at least, I can say that its probably more than that. I always feel like I'm in a waking dream and that our relationship is subject to so many different factors, that each day I wonder if we will ever just stop seeing each other. He and I talk about it sometimes. While we do talk about anything and everything, we still have amazing control over our emotions, and how much we express to each other. The only time we completely let go of everything and allow ourselves to be completely together, is when we are...." I paused because up until that moment, I really didn't know what to call it.

"When you guys are...making love?" she offered.

I smiled, "Ok, you can say that. I still can't."

"Ah, that means you love him." she said.

I said nothing more about G the rest of the night, and neither did she. It's not a mystery to me how I feel about him. I just can't say anything about it.

I suppose, you can say, that "like" is not a strong enough word to really express the depths of my feelings for him. Love, well, I guess that's a better word... because I care about him beyond what we are to one another. I think of him all the time. I want share ordinary moments with him as much as extraordinary ones. I want know him, because I don't think anyone really knows him. I want to be his friend for a long as our lives will allow it. We have passion and lust and attraction. Our affection extends beyond physical.

I wish I could say that the situation plagues me, that I'm ridden with guilt for being unfaithful to my husband in such a way...but I won't. Because I don't. Not everyone is going to understand the mechanics of how I feel, and have it fit into their limited understanding about love and life and sex. That these are not things that will have a consistent form. Maybe its possible that people just out grow one another. Maybe it is possible to love more than one person. Maybe it is possible to do the right thing and stand by your commitments, and not completely let it destroy your dreams of being happy for the sake of yourself.

Maybe... G and I are fooling ourselves into believing that we aren't harming anyone. I know at least, we are aren't hurting my husband. He really doesn't care one way or another who I sleep with, as long as he's the one who's with me. I'm his muse, and he needs me, loves me more than I love him... which is horrible to say, but it's true.

Maybe G and I are lying to ourselves when we say we don't need anything more than this right now. Who knows? I don't know. Do I love him? I don't think it even really matters....

Where I find myself...

I don't think there is any helping it any longer... There's no turning back and no taking back the amount of emotion I've already invested in this less than ordinary relationship.

It's my own fault for allowing myself believe that I could manage my feelings enough to turn it on and off according to practicalities and logic. I always thought it would be easy. I've always felt a certain amount of sadness, or sometimes none at all, when i stopped seeing a lover... But I never actually loved any of them. I cared, but never enough to fully consider disrupting my life for any alternatives. I never thought about alternatives...

G broke all my personal rules about engaging in extra marital affairs... Something I would never admit to anyone outloud for fear of what it may mean if the universe got wind of it. I'm afraid of what it may mean if...

He's always been the first, however, to admit certain things... He admitted that he regrets that we are not single, that he cares deeply about me, that when he first slept together (despite the setting and circumstances) it was more than straight fucking. His words were that it was somewhere between fucking and making love. We connected and it was a feeling that vibrated throughout my whole body... And it was a feeling that had never experienced before.

Even with J, the actual act of fucking him was disappointing the first time. I was young and didn't know any better and thought that as long as i loved him it was enough... That moment in time was my moment of fire and passion and it was doomed from the very beginning.

But what is my excuse this time? I can't even admit to myself what this means. I'm so afraid and yet addicted to this incredible feeling of...

I try everyday to rationalize away this whole thing... I try very hard to tell myself that I'm being silly, that this is nothing but fun for either of us. I psyche myself out. I tell myself that the reason we like one another so much is be because we aren't in a relationship... But I know that isn't true. I know that he's going along with me and would be willing to give more, if I told him it would be ok.

Beyond that... I'm very afraid of my own feelings for him... But not enough to let go. I can't give up what I feel for him... Not yet. I don't want to. He makes me feel hopeful, scared, passionate, beautiful... He makes me want to want more than what I am. He makes me feel alive.

Conflicted originally written 3-15-2011

I have been in love with my husband for about as long as I can remember... While I can be easily distracted, I've always loved him... in a way that I could never love another man. But sometimes I wonder if that love came from fear... the fear of where I came from.

I always need to make people happy, and I feel incredible pressure from everyone in my life to do just that. I'm the one that everyone thinks has all the answers, the rational one, the reasonable one, the one that knows how to negotiate anyone out of any situation. That was my function and role in my small family.

But, when my stepdad died... I realized that now all I have left from my childhood past is my mother, and when she dies...that's it. It makes me feel like an orphan, like I have no connection to anyone. I do have my husband and two children, of course...and that's not to say I don't adore my family, and would do anything for them.

Recently, though, my mother in law, who has always hated me, but respects me in many ways, says to my husband that she thinks he made a lot of bad decisions after college. It made me think about where I find myself now. While he says she's referring to his career choices... I know that part of the comment lays the blame on me.

I wanted to be married and have a family because I never had one. I wanted to a good man for my kids because I never had one. I wanted to make my man happy, because no one in my family was ever happy. I wanted to be the most understanding, coolest and hottest wife ever. I think I've achieved some of that on a superficial level.

I've managed to make people in my life happy. They love me for the way I make them feel. It has recently occurred to me, however, there is hardly anyone who has gone out of their way to try and make me happy...except my mom and stepdad. Even then, it wasn't without a lot of feelings of guilt and obligation for what other people thought of me.

I have a sister, but she's disowned us. My mom is part of the reason she hasn't been in touch with us in years...my mom didn't want to get her help, and run the risk of a stranger knowing our business. My family is pretty fucked up, and there are way too many secrets.

I'm contemplating that it would be nice if I could I take control of my life, let go, even if it runs the risk of hurting people, and finally head down a path for me. I could argue that a happy me is a better me...but I don't know that I can be any other way than this. I don't know if I can, even if I really wanted to…and I really really want to.

My Eulogy for my (step)dad...

I grew up in a family that could be termed many things...a broken home, a blended family, a dysfunctional family...whatever you want to call it...

My biological father abandoned us when I still a baby. I never met him and can’t honestly say I have any feelings for him aside from curiosity. C has been around for as long as I can remember, and he has loved my mother and all her baggage (aka me and my sister) for more than 30 years. After a lifetime of hurt, they found each other and built a life together. Their love wasn’t perfect or story book, but their love and devotion to one another was sincere....and that is a lot more than most people will ever have in their lives.

Through the trials and tears, lots and lots of yelling and fighting...there were also a lot of laughs. We were a bunch of broken people who tried the best we could to build a happy and honest life. C never denied my mother anything she wanted, and I can honestly say that everything he did, he did it for her. He made her happy, and my mom is hard woman to please...but he never ever stopped trying. Important things in his life were as follows...my mother, the grandkids, beer, Mercedes Benzes, and the Lakers. You could probably even list beer on there twice.

We hoped that today would be a day that everyone could remember how funny, generous and happy C was, almost to a fault.... He never said no to me, he treated me like I was his own. He bought me my first car, helped pay for my education, walked me down the aisle at my wedding, helped with all the major and minor events in my life whether it was financially or just to lend his moral support...C was my dad in every single way possible.

Growing up in this type of life has taught me a lot. Nothing is perfect. We don’t choose who we love. We can’t always control the outcome of our actions. We can’t always cling to ideals set by society and define ourselves by them, because no matter what everything will always fall short. We take it day by day. But most importantly, C taught me that without forgiveness we would never be able to move onward and forward with our lives. Without forgiveness we would never be able be truly happy, and when a group of broken people come together to form a family, we just do the best we can..and forgiveness and love is all we have.

C, I love you. I will always love you. You leave behind you a lot of people who will dearly miss you. I’m sorry for all the grief we may have caused you, but just know, that I would not be who I am today if I had not had you in my life. I know you were happy every single day, and you were content with your life. I only wish we had more time with you. You will always be my dad, you will always be Lolo to M and L, Ch and Char will always be my brother and sister, E will always be my nephew... because love is thicker than blood. Thank you for everything...

Girl Crush

I went to a friend's wedding this weekend in Vegas. Now you would assume that if you're drivng 500 miles to go to Vegas for a wedding that it would be held within a reasonable proximity of the Vegas strip, otherwise, what's the point? It's not as if we the bride and groom were locals. Nope, they're from LA, just like the majority of the guests. Instead, the bride and groom chose a golf course about 45 miles north of the Vegas strip in the middle of god's nowhere. As far as I could tell, the wedding could have been held in the Inland Empire, because the northern part of Nevada pretty much looks the same. I would have only had to drive and hour instead of 5. I must really love my friends.

I knew most of the guests already, but for the most part, everyone was new to me. After I got past the annoying and snobby sister team that has annoyed me for the better part of last 5 years, said hello to the few others I was familiar with, we made our way to the casino's nightclub to watch a band play. On the way down I noticed a very tall pretty woman. She had to have been about 6 feet tall. Her hair was highlighted blond, wavy and cut above her shoulders, and her eyes were blue. He had one of those great smiley faces, which is so the opposite of mine. She wasn't thin, but she wasn't fat. She was the size a woman of 6 feet tall should be. She was wearing a short black strapless dress and black heels. I really didn't notice her all that much, except for how tall she was. I wasn't feeling all that hot after our very long drive into Vegas, and then heading out of Vegas to find the wedding party... I was a bit cranky.

But after I had a few drinks and started to relax, and settled in to watch the band play, I felt much better. People were mingling and talking, and as I was looking behind me to see who was coming or going, the very tall girl sat in the empty seat opposite me and introduced herself. We talked for a bit, and she was very intelligent. We laughed and joked a little and talked about the bride and groom. She flashed a very sincere smile at me at one point, and I felt heat flash across my face.

She excused herself for a moment and I was felt something I'd never felt before about a woman. I didn't want her to leave. I wanted her to stay and talk to me. I wanted to get to know her. I had a girl crush! I couldn't help it. She's beautiful. I watched her move around the room and talk and I just wanted her to come back and sit with me. I wanted to get her alone and kiss her. I wanted her... *sigh* maybe I'll get to see her again soon.

Ed

I had a lover that I would visit about every 2 weeks that lived in Orange County. I hate Orange County. The city makes me feel uncomfortable. Everyone looks the same, and every house and street seem identical. The entire definition of cookie cutter was probably based on Orange County. Despite my prejudices, though, I would try and visit him about every few weeks. I may be married, but my relationships outside my marriage are friendships too. It's the way I prefer things, and I think my husband feels like I'm safer when he's a friend.

Anyway, OC lover lived across the street from a nice bar/restaurant in Laguna. It was more upscale, but they had a nice relaxing bar area. I would soon learn that the bar was a local gathering area for working professionals in their mid-40's cheating on their spouses. They would meet their partners in crime at the bar, have a drink and stumble out together. I watched a few couples go through the routine.

So, it was still a hot summer and a perfect night to go out. It was summertime so I was wearing sundress. I sat at the bar between an older gentleman and OC lover. As the drinks started flowing the older gentleman, who was there with a very inebriated friend, introduced himself as Ed.

He gave me a business card and complimented me on how beautiful I am. He started in on how exotic looking I am, my tattoos are sexy, my breasts are perfect... OC lover nodded in agreement, proud that he gets to fuck me I suppose. It was all very easy and funny. Every one was drunk and it was, at least for the moment, harmless flirting.

I excused myself at one point to go to the restroom. When I rounded the corner from the restroom when I returned, I noticed Ed and OC lover in deep conversation. They're heads snapped up and Ed started fidgeting around and laughing, as if he was caught doing something naughty.

Ed, aside from being older, he was approximately 53 years old, maybe about 6'2" and on was kind of like a teddy bear. He was a happy looking man, with silver hair. I do a lot of business with men his age, and they are always hung up on how different I look. Ed was no exception. He made it very clear that he thought that I could rip a man apart in bed, and he wanted to be a part of that...

"What are you guys doing?" I asked slowly when I returned to the bar.

Ed started to do that thing that men do when they are uncomfortable, he pulled up his pants and adjusted himself. He was smiling and laughing away with OC lover. "Ah- you caught us!" he laughed, a little too loudly, like he was trying to make light of whatever it was they were talking about.

OC lover had a smirk on his face, but his eyes were wide and he looked a little confused.

I didn't say anything. I just sat down and took a sip of my drink. Then after a bit I said, "Ok, what did I miss?"

They both laughed this time, then Ed said, "Well we were just talking here. And oh jesus-this is going to sound so perverted.... but I was asking OC here how you would feel about....um... coming over to my place and finishing the party off at my house."

I started laughing. It was involuntary. I was surprised. I wasn't sure if he was serious. "What?" I asked when I could manage to stop laughing.

"I don't mean to fuck me or anything. Oh-fuck, this is going to sound so sick... but, do you see that Mercedes SLK convertible parked right outside?"

I nodded.

"Well, it's mine. I have a big house up the hill with a spa and jacuzzi and everything. I would like you for you two to come back to my house. We can just hang out, soak in the jacuzzi, drink some more... and I'll give you 1,000 dollars to watch you have sex with him."

I was stunned. "Huh? Why?"

He laughed, "Jesus, that's why! You have no idea how fucking sexy you are, or maybe you do, but I don't think you really understand it!" he laughed a big hearty laugh. He made it sound like a real compliment, and he really meant it. "I won't do anything gross or weird. I just want to watch."

I was speechless. This was either the biggest compliment I had ever received, or I guess it could be viewed as really offensive. But I wasn't offended. I was flattered.

Looking back, I probably should have taken the money. It was a lot of money for having sex I was going to have anyway... but I think I was shocked by the whole thing. He offered me his information and wanted me to take a weekend with him and his girlfriend, if I ever changed my mind. Good thing I still have his info... you know... if I ever change my mind.

October 16, 2009

My best friend asked me to go to Target with her to help her register for her baby shower. We ran around the aisles and registered for this and that, and it made me feel a bit nostalgic. It was fun planning baby stuff.

Afterward, we were walking around the store and made our way into the health and beauty section. We passed the condom aisle, and I said "Let's buy condoms! It'll make us feel single and baby free again!" We stopped to laugh for a moment, when someone tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and it was a handsome young guy, maybe 21 at the oldest. "Excuse me?" he asked.

"Yes?" I said.

"Can I have your phone number?" he was smiling. He had been listening in on our conversation.

My best friend who's 8 months pregnant started laughing hysterically, "Oh my God! You just made pee a little!"She waddled as fast as she could to the restroom.

I guess I've officially entered cougarland...

I added 10 boxes of condoms to her baby shower registry.

Morning after...

"Do you want to get breakfast?" Ex asked as he pulled on his pants.

"No, I'm good. I've got to get moving. I've got a ton of stuff to do today." I had been up all night wondering how this morning was going to be, and replaying my conversation over and over again in my head with Thing 2. I really wanted Ex to go away.

He stood up and smiled at me. He followed me into the bathroom, where I had started to brush my teeth. He came up behind me and put his arms around my waist. He started to nuzzle my neck and he whispered, "God, I miss you."

I pulled away and rinsed my mouth out quickly. "Listen, I don't want you thinking that last night was some sort of make-up session. We are still broken-up. We are not back together." I know I sounded cruel, but Ex wasn't someone who always caught the hint. I had to be clear and direct, and I really didn't know what being nice would do for him. If him being angry with me would make things easier for him, then that was what I had to accept. . He thought we had made up somehow. I'm a terrible person. I didn't consider that sleeping with him would push a reset button with him, and he wouldn't be able handle it for what it was to me

His face crumpled, and then he shook it off, "Yeah, I know," he said quickly, trying to regain his composure. I guess my treatment of him was finally sinking in. He wasn't going to be spineless and needy anymore. "I just thought we could get breakfast as friends, but it's cool. Thanks for last night. I really needed to get laid." And with that, he turned and walked out of the bathroom, finished getting dressed and walked out. He didn't slam doors, didn't pout, didn't turn around and say good-bye or give me a kiss or anything. He wanted me to know, that he had just booty called me.

After being a little bit hurt, I was kind of proud of him. He was going to be okay.

Exactly

"(His smile) There was a tinge of evil to it, a lot of sex, but under that was a little boy peaking out, an uncertain little boy. What was it? That was the attraction. Nothing is more appealing than an a handsome man who is also uncertain of himself. It appeals not only to the woman in us all, but the mother. A dangerous combination." from Guilty Pleasures by Laurell K. Hamilton.

Thing 2 Part 2

I can remember certain moments with Thing 2 like it was it just happened yesterday. When it comes to him, I think my mind goes into selective memory mode. He was like heroin for me. Just looking at him made me feel euphoric. Every moment before he had pulled me into the closet to confess how he felt about me, I was always very realistic and practical about our relationship. I had accepted that I would always have a crush on him. I would always watch him go in and out of relationships the rest of my life. I would always be his friend, but never anything more than that. I was fine with that. I was ready for that... as long as he was always in my life, even as a friend, that was all I needed.

It all came crashing down at that moment. I suddenly didn't know where things were suppose to go at that point and I didn't know what anything meant. He sent me an email a few days later, mostly rambling about nothing, and then at the end, it simply said "...and I miss you even though I know I shouldn't. I miss you a lot." I cried after I read that.

I still wouldn't hold my breath. He was so flakey that I didn't try to hold any false hope. So, I went about my business. My ex showed up at my place one night about 2 weeks after the closet incident, unannounced, as usual, wanting to talk. I wanted to rage at him, to tell him stop coming over and stop crowding me. He needed to let go, but I didn't say anything. I let him in, I let him sit and talk to me. I listened to him. He actually didn't even talk about us. He was just lonely, and that moment, so was I.

I probably shouldn't have let him touch my hand, I probably shouldn't of let him kiss me, or take me to my bed and let him make-love to me. I was a confused and sad, and I needed to someone in a way that only skin on skin contact could help solve... for at least a short while.

Later, when the ex was passed out in my bed, I got a call. It was Thing 2. Oh-shit.

"Hey, I'm sorry I didn't call," he said right when I picked up the phone. I moved to the living room while ex snored away.

"Hi," I said trying not to sound happy to hear from him, "how are you?"

"I'm ok. Do you have a minute?"

"Yeah," I didn't think it was the right time to bring up the fact that my ex, his cousin, was passed out in the next room after I fucked him.

"Let me just get this out of the way. I meant what I said other week, and I didn't mean it like I loved you like a friend. I meant it like I love you. Like I really love you."

"Oh,"I didn't want to disrupt his flow. It didn't sound like he was done talking.

"Haven't you ever noticed that the entire time we've been friends I've never had a girlfriend? Sure, girls I hooked up with or whatever, but not a real girlfriend?"

"I just thought you were afraid of commitment or something."

"I'm afraid of commitment with the wrong woman, sure. I always thought, in the back of mind... I wonder if you would like them, or I can't talk to her like I do with you, or I was kind of comparing them to you in ways that I wasn't even aware of. Then you broke with him, and it suddenly became clear to me. I'm in love with you. I wouldn't admit to myself when you guys were together."

I was silent for a bit. "Well what does that mean? What do you want from me?" Ok, so maybe it wasn't the most romantic reply when someone is spilling his guts to you, but I was in shock. I know this guy, probably better than anyone and I've never heard him say anything like this before about anyone he was involved with.

"I don't necessarily want anything from you... I don't think I do... I don't know, maybe... I just... I didn't really think that far ahead. I just needed to tell you. I knew that."

"Okay," I said slowly, "I'm afraid of what to say. I know how I feel, but I don't know what it means if I actually say it. "

We were quiet for a long time and then he said, "This could work, you know. We could work... "

"You know, ex is here right now. He's asleep in the other room," I said. I wanted him to know that I wasn't hiding anything.

“He just showed up, didn’t he?” he wasn’t angry. He actually had a slight laugh to his voice, like he knew it all along.

“Yeah.”

“I figured. I was talking to him earlier. He was asking if I thought he should go see you, that he really needed to see you. I told him to give you space. It wasn’t cool to just go showing up. But, I guess he couldn’t stop himself.”

I didn’t reply.

“Can I see you tomorrow?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said quietly.

“Will you come up here?”

“I can. Why?”

“So I know there won’t be any surprise visits from all your men,” he said, not so lightly.

Thing 2

Thing 2 was going to turn out to be the boy that would be the worse thing that ever happened to me, which can also be defined as the love of my life. All the warnings and signs that you know lead to a doomed relationship, happened with Thing 2. I fell in love with him the moment I laid eyes on him. No joke. It was that jaw dropping, slow motion, from out of nowhere wind blowing through his hair moment that happened to me.

He was walking up the drive-way into the open garage facing the street. He was about 6’1”, thin and lanky, and long brown hair to about his collar. His jeans were stone washed and ripped at the knees. He was about 3 years older than my 18 years, which obviously meant he was wiser and more educated because he went to UCSB. Duh. Aside from his obviously attractive model-like body and walk, his face was perfect. Ok, maybe his nose was a little too wide and big, and it would always be a reminder that he was always going to be undeniably Filipino, to some degree, but he had the face of an angel, and I could have starred at his face forever… at him walking up the drive-way into the open garage, that bright sunny day in June 1999…of my boyfriend’s house. Thing 1 turned out to be my boyfriend’s cousin.

My timing is fucking perfect. I had been dating my boyfriend for 3 months at that point. We were having fun dating and hanging out. It was easy being with him, especially since I had just gotten out of a relationship that was rocky and volatile. Easy and fun was not something I was used to. Even my home life was traumatic. I was finally on the right track with the right guy.

And then… Thing 2 happened.

Shortly after that first meeting, Thing 2 started hanging around more often with us. When I went to college, he came by to visit on his way back up to UCSB sometimes. He would stay sometimes, but we never did anything sexual together, but we were close. We talked all the time and about everything. My boyfriend just liked having him around, and was glad that we got along. He didn’t know that I was secretly in love with Thing 2.

We remained close for about 3 years. Hanging out, talking and being strictly platonic. Which, of course, drove me completely insane. A lot can happen to a girl in 3 years. I started to become more attractive, I guess. I was also starting to like the attention.

I began seeing other boys and eventually knew I needed to break up with my boyfriend. Easy-going and natural with my boyfriend became push over and no backbone quickly.

Soon after my break-up with my boyfriend, and I was done fucking Thing 1 (sort of), Thing 2 came to me and pulled me aside one night. Actually, he pulled me in my walk-in closet while my now ex-boyfriend was waiting in the living room trying to be just friends, and had dropped by with Thing 2 to have dinner… all as friends, of course.

“What’s wrong?” I asked when he closed the door behind us in the closet.

He got down on his knees and he put his arms around my waist and said, “I love you. I’ve been wanting to tell you that for so long. I love you.”

I was speechless. I instinctively put my arms around him and made him look up at me. I couldn’t believe what he was saying. I couldn’t believe it at all.

He stood up then, and kissed me softly, opened the door and walked out. They left my apartment and I was still standing in the closet.

Thing 1

I've been thinking a lot about my previous bad decisions. Basically that means, boys I fucked without thinking. This is largely due to the fact that they've been trying like hell to get in touch with my husband. Ok, so maybe Thing 1 and Thing 2 were friends with him at some point, but definitely not after I indiscriminately had sex with them, and made them fall in love with me.

Thing 1 was a hairy nightmare, but he had the most perfect looking cock. It was a good 9 inches, thick and perfectly straight. It was like a work of art. I should have had it molded. It was fun to make it all shiny. But the guy seriously needed to make best friends with waxing. So, the perfect cock was the way I justified fucking an ugly hairy loser.

I met Thing 1 through my boyfriend at the time, my husband now. They had worked together for a summer or two after high school. I was not even remotely attracted to him. But one evening in my college apartment, everyone had left after a small party my roommates and I had the first week of school, I found myself cocked and loaded and alone with Thing 1. I don't know why he stayed behind. I knew he was fond of me, but I never thought about my relationship with him beyond my boyfriend. They were pretty good friends, so I didn't consider that he was attracted to me.

My bedroom roommate went to bed and I sat on the sofa with Thing 1 and watched movies. I was bored, so I leaned over and kissed him on the mouth. My other set of roommates hadn't moved in the other bedroom yet, so without even speaking we went to the other room and I let him fuck me. I was a little shocked when I felt his hairy shoulders in the dark, worked my fingers to his back and ass, which were equally hairy. But when he slid that perfect cock into my dripping wet pussy, I didn't care I was fucking a bear.

So, I fucked him some more for the next few weeks. The guy was spectacular in bed... correction... he was a spectacular fuck, but was terrible at eating pussy. But at that point he was only the 3rd boy I had fucked, and neither of the 2 before him were anything to write home about, so I never had anything to really compare it to.

Over a short span of time, Thing 1 fell madly in love with me. It was terrible. I was flattered, and the power bitch part of me kinda liked stringing him along. As much as he was an ugly bear of a boy, he prided himself on being a very detached asshole to girls. He never had any problem bedding them, and bragged about kicking them out of his bed at 3am. I'm sure he enjoyed the ones with really cute bodies and very low self-esteems. I liked making him fall in love with me, and destroying him a little. What I didn't anticipate was that he was never going to get over it...

It's been over 10 years, and he tries to send emails to my husband to try and make-up with him... it's so bizarre. He knows through myspace and such that we are married now, and my husband is largely convinced that his only motivation is to get to me somehow. It's so pathetic and hilarious and creepy, all at the same time. The latest one came last week. He also took it upon himself to show up at my husband's parent's house to find him. Luckily no one was home.

From his myspace pics I noticed that he had finally discovered wax... so, there are such things as happy endings.

October 3, 2009

As an experiment I posted an ad on Craigslist in the personals section. I tried the strictly platonic section and casual encounters. I wanted to see what kind of people would reply, and I also wanted to find out how long a chat conversation would take to turn toward sex.

The answer is, not fucking long at all. The casual encounter replies were much more direct. You are basically stamped as whore or slut from the start, so doesn't leave much room for negotiations from the get go.

Me aka Dirty Slutty Whore: "Hi, you replied to my ad."

Horny bastard: "Hi, when do you want to hook-up?"

DSW: "Oh, I wanted to just chat first. I thought I made that clear in my ad."

HB: "I figure if you want to see each other in public first, it would be same as me hitting on you at coffee shop or bar. What difference does it make?"

DSW: "Want to at least talk first."

HB: "You're a fucking waste of time."

Short. direct and to the point I suppose. It seems like voluntary date-rape. I wonder if that approach is ever successful.

The strictly platonic section is a starting ground for people that intend to cheat on their significant others. You start off with questions about hobbies and what you like to do, etc. Then things start toward light jokes about sex, until you get full on requests for details about sex. I admit, I am guilty of the same thing. Naughty talk is the best kind of talk. Otherwise things get boring. Especially when you're dealing with chatting on the Internet. It's a little more drawn out, but it eventually ends up with, "Can you take a picture of your snatch? You can tell I'm a good guy. I just talked to you for half and hour."

October 1, 2009

October 1, 2009

I’ve had job interview upon job interview, and all I can come up with is that everything sucks. I was in Old Town Pasadena interviewing at an advertising agency. Of course, because I wanted it so badly, I didn’t get it. The competition is pretty stiff. I was going up against candidates that where art directors and went to Art Center and Creative Circus. Geez. The job was for a part-time Account Executive, and for the size of that ad agency, the AE position can be roughly translated as secretary.

On the bright side, at least I don’t feel like a loser. I am going against the best of the best for a nothing position, and the fact that I even made the interview cut is a pretty big deal…. Right? Ugh, it’s so pathetic finding a bright side in such a vacuum.

I’m also trying to decide if I should sell insurance for a living. Talk about wanting to kill yourself. Me. Selling insurance. What a fucking nightmare.

When I get like this, I try to distract myself by completely debasing myself. That’s right! It’s time for me to start fucking other men outside of my marriage. I don’t call it cheating… because I technically have my husband’s permission. While my career and financial status may be taking a nosedive… my personal life, my marriage, my family… are perfect. That shows you how unfair life is.

I like the thrill of having lovers. I love being worshipped by men who aren’t my husband. It’s both flattering and ego boosting. I walk taller, I feel prettier and I my aura is on fire with sex and confidence.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been chatting online with a man. I love the Internet. It give my Id a place to come out and play. I wouldn’t normally be attracted to this particular type of guy, but he did provide a good amount of stimulating conversation, and that goes a long way. He’s very thin, too thin. So thin that it just isn’t right for a man of almost 6 foot tall to be that thin. He could be considered emaciated. His face was angular and square, but could be largely attributed to that fact that he was basically skin on bones. He had that dirty Robert Pattinson hygiene thing going. Which is fine… but from a distance. There's a slight undercurrent of body odor. I can't tolerate that. If you want to bump time with me you better smell like heaven. He was formerly a model, in his hay day. I expect so, being so thin, he was a great candidate for the CK One ads of the 90s, or a Fiona Apple video whore. He has that skinny dirty thing going for him. So, unfortunately... I think the skinny b.o. thing is going to beat out his very sweet personality and his admiration of me.

I'm not sure if I find him attractive. That's shallow, isn't it? But if I'm going to fuck around just to fuck around, I can be as picky as I like, and honestly, I feel like I can break him in half. I'm not trying to be femme fatal about it at all. I'm a full figured woman. A lot of women who are actually obese would say the same thing, to avoid saying they're fat, but I'm about a size 10 at 5'4" with very large 36DD breasts. If I decided to climb on top of Skeletor, I'm sure all I'd be able to feel are his hip bones poking the shit out of me. I know this from experience... trust me.